Sunday, March 23, 2008
gensan trip & 21 hours no sleep


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4:09 am

the other day.. i woke up at 6pm.. which is my usual routine now a days.. i was planning to sleep early coz we had a planned daytrip to gensan the next day.. but instead.. i was on the net.. surfing and playing RF from 10pm-4am.. then akala ko matutulog nko... but im not yet sleepy so i watched movie sa psp.. rush hour 3 (pathetic noh.. wla ko pa napanood) hahaha.. natapos ko ang movie.. but still not yet sleepy so i watched juno after.. it was around 7:30 am that the movie was about to end when my mom went up to my room to wake me up for our gensan trip.. tpos hindi pa pala ako natutulog.. pero sumama rin naman ako.. so after the movie.. i prepared myself and nkaalis kmi dito sa bhay around 9:30... sumama ako thinking that i would sleep sa car on the way to gensan.. pero hindi ako nkatulog.. i never sleep sa byahe.. i dont wanna miss scenery.. char.. haha ;p so un.. nakarating gensan just to get this painting-chuvaness-ni papa.. then 3 pm kmi nkaalis sa gensan.. around 4pm.. andun na ata kmi sa.. umm.. ewan.. bsta M ang starting ng name ng province or town or watever.. hindi na nakya ng powers ko at nakatulog ako.. then i woke up.. dito na sa bhay.. weeehhh!! sabi ko.. ang bilis naman.. then i checked my watch.. its 6pm na pla.. i continued sleeping.. until.. 10pm.. then net... then i saw rayray's review about "hana kimi" a japanese series? so un nanuod ako.. till now.. episode 6 pko.. dapat tulog nko ngaun.. kc mag simba pa daw kmi tom.. but im not sleepy yet and i had fun watching hana kimi.. so un.. juz posted this blog since the video is still loading.. hehe :-)



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kikai thought hard on 4:07 AM.
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Thursday, March 20, 2008
dont say bad words at other people

dont say bad words at other people --- i learned my lesson...

masakit mapagsabihan ng badwords.. plus !!!. haaii.. the day was sooo great and isang text message lng ruined it all.. :c

text text kmi then.. he asked me cno mga ka ym ko.. nagalit ako.. sabi ko wla kay trust .. kapoy enumerate tanan.. sabhin ko mga names pero for sure magask sya kung cno na naman un... tpos kapoy.. sabi ko wla nko giganahan.. then .. then sabi nya ako lng daw nggwa ng problema saming dlwa.. kung ganswer ko nlng daw pla agad.. then drama sya na "so murag dili man gyud nimo ingnon so bahala nlng ka so matulog nlng ko"

then ng init ulo ko.. sabi ko tulugan ko nimo .. puta ka!

then... ng text back sya ng mga mka hurt na words which i wont tell na.. kc i dont wana make memories of it...

then wla nko rep.. kc masakit na.
then.. gidagdagan pa tlga nya ng... may ginatago daw ako.. guilty daw ako... plastik daw ko...

--- sakit...

happiness -- it can be gone in juz a wrong text message T_T


kikai thought hard on 3:54 AM.
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Wednesday, March 19, 2008
i can connect my phone to pc and i got cam! :-)


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got up late.. by the way.. i made dinner again.. but it didnt taste good... hehehe ;p

anyway.. i already found where the usb cable had been (eversince we moved in).. and it just so happen by bro's at home (the pc admin) -- which means i can install the pc suite already.. hehe.. im really happy.. atlast i could change the theme of my phone and i can upload music to my phone..

its been 4 months since i had my phone but i only made use of the connect-to-pc feature today.. hehe .. thats because .. before.. the usb cable wouldnt work.. i dont know what the heck happened...

and also.. i got the permission from my mom that ill be the one who'll take care of the cam.. hehe.. we got the digi cam a long time ago.. but it was my mom.. who was keeping it..

im really happy.. hehe.. i wanna go for an outing or sumthing so that the cam could be in use but i was thinking though.. im not the kind of person who brings the cam and take photos because i wanna be in the photos.. hehe.. but i wanted to have my own copy also..

haha...
but overall im sooo happy! :-)


kikai thought hard on 1:16 AM.
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Tuesday, March 18, 2008
happy :-)

im sooo happy recently with my life.. i have no probs with johnjohn.. eversince we talked at the foodcourt (03-13-08).. when i opened up everything to him.. we had a peaceful relationship.. well its just kinda sad because i havent seen him.. since our monthsary.. its been 5 days already.. huhu.. i miss him... but alteast its soo peaceful.. hehe :-)


kikai thought hard on 12:32 AM.
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Its been *days since i posted a blog.

Well, i thought id be blogging everyday since im not doing anything.. but sometimes when i get home late.. im tired to put on the comp.. hehe...

anyway.. last Saturday was aileen's thanksgiving party and his dad's advance happy birthday party.. ;p .. i was suppose to go to johnjohn's house in the afternoon.. i planned to go around 4pm but my dad said we have to go to church.. so the plan's canceled.. then after going to church.. (super long gospel).. we had dinner at coco's with family.. then i went to aileen's house after.. then.. super enjoy.. as usual sira ang globe... its hard to send sms to johnjohn.. just stayed there till 4 am then went home.. :-) it was a nice party!! ♥


kikai thought hard on 12:24 AM.
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Thursday, March 13, 2008
he made my day for the first time ;p

my morning wasnt really ok..i got up and so irritated with johnjohn kc kalangayan nya mgkilos.. i asked him na samahan nyko sa pna to pay for the oathtaking then sa convenience nlng kami kita.. tpos ayaw nya gusto nya tlga sa haus nla pra wla daw yawyaw mama nya ... den ayw ko man tlga kc sayang pamasahe.. den un katgal ko sya gikulit about dun.. den later on sabi nya sa nbi nlng daw nyko smahan kc wla pa cla lunch and wla pa nkaluto.. so sabi un man tlga na plan ko para di kalas pamasahe...
---for short.. our morning wasnt great... heheh.. then daan ako sknila.. pra sabay nkmi papunta nbi.. di ko alam may alam pla sya about dun.. hehe.. he knows where to go and what to do.. hehe.. so un.. then wyl waiting for the releasing eat kmi sa fudcourt.. den inopen up ko na sknya about ung probs ko sknya ung wlang effort thing.. then wla lng syang sinabi.. kadami dami kong gyawyaw tapos sya wla lng.. kainis.. then i thought maybe he's not serious and all... then after sa nbi.. mga 5:30 na un.. we went sa talikod.. tambay lng.. chika chika kay tita..then uwi.. atleast hapi na ung pauwi nkmi.. cge kami katawa.. hehe.. then pg dating ko sa haus.. text text kmi..hnggng sa bigla wla na sya ngrep.. kla ko mahirapan sya send kc ako nahihirapan send.. then later on ung mka send nko.. tas sya wla parin ngtext .. so i presume na tigil na unli nya and naubusan na sya load.. kc ako wla pa ngtext na natigil na aking unli.. nabawasan na aking lod ng 2! so i suppose wla na syang extra lod.. so un ngnet ako.. then wla ko namind ang time.. then suddenly.. sum1 texted me.. na surprise ako to see that it was from him! wow! he greeted me happi monthsary! hehe.. na shock ako.. wla pla tlga sya ngrep daw knina kc pra isave nya p1 nya to greet me.. then sabi ko tama nga pla 12 mn na un.. hehe.. and it made me more happy kc may initiative sya to text me and to greet me! kala ko gibalewala lng nya ung gyawyaw ko kanina.. he was listening after all

he made my day!! im sooo happy!! :-) thanks bhe!


kikai thought hard on 1:05 AM.
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Monday, March 10, 2008
a talk with cha made me appreciate him more... yet.... made me confused even more

talk kami ni cha about or bf's and it really helped a lot.. maybe johjohn isnt that bad as i thought.. maybe im just expecting or demanding too much from him? to think... bakit ko nga ba naicp na kulang knyang ginagawa for me? kc maybe na compare ko sya sa ibang mg uyab? --which is wrong! and i didnt mean that.. ngaun ko lng na realize na maybe kya maicp ko na kulang gngawa nya for me..
johnjohn is differnt.. he loves me.. i know.. and he showed it to me in a different way.. ang mali ko.. hindi ko nakita!!

"im sorry bhe"

naicp ku rin.. 2 days nko wla nkipag communicate sknya... hinanap b nyko? wla... did he make a move? wla.. ako pa ba dapat mg make ng move una? juz like what i usually do?

im soooo confused...

ano ba tlga dapat ko gawin??

should i hold on to our relationship?? or is it time to move on??

im sssoooooo confused.. what to do?? i dont know what to do... know one knows what to do.. T_T



kikai thought hard on 11:41 PM.
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designed my sis' scrap book

my dad came kanina 6:30 pm i think, from kuala lumpur then we went out to eat at coco's .. sarap.. dami na naman nakain.. super sira sa diet.. as if... haha.. wencel ivited me to go kina aunti glo.. i guess theres a party or sumthing... but i cant kc nga papa just came home and mg dinner din kmi outside.. so un.. wla ako natuloy.. then i texted johnjohn.. na ininvite ako ni wens but i cant.. anyway.. buti pa c wencel ininvite ako.. and hindi na naman sya ngtext today.. wats new.. dati mkitext lng sya sa mom nya.. ngaun di ntlga.. tas sbihin lng nya na wla lod mama nya.. hallur.. pila na ka months or weeks wla lod.. atika ko.. hayy... watever nlng..

then wen i got home.. tinulungan ko c lia sa scrap book.. i practically designed it.. ung content lng sknya.. hop ok lng un.. kc she slept nah.. hehe..


kikai thought hard on 1:30 AM.
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Sunday, March 9, 2008
it's WRONG to compare

i know its very WRONG to compare! I didn't even want to be compared with others but then.. its just my thought and I want to express it.

I'm really having a difficult relationship with my bf right now, I feel that he's not serious with me. Last sunday, I invited him to go to the casino - courtesy of my mom - but he said he doesn't have money .. fine! but yesterday, I went to their house and I invited him to go to church, which is just around the corner from his house -- still, he didn't want to.. On top of that.. he never tried to be close with my family and friends.. :c

What's good about him though is that he let me meet his family - even his relatives and "buong ankan" and let me hang out with his friend.. he brings me to different places..

My x bf on the other hand.. is very close to my family and tries to hang out with my friends but he never introduced me to his friends or classmates or his relatives...

take note: I have no intention to be back or watsoever with my ex-- coz he's such an asshole...

I'm just thinking.. whats with all these thoughts? and why is it like that?


kikai thought hard on 5:38 PM.
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Das Haus der Harmonie Reflection


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i watched this movie last night. A 2 part movie entitled "Das Haus der Harmonie"

http://johnkiks.multiply.com/reviews/item/2

In the movie, Meiling left her Chinese aristocrat family just to be with her american lover. And I thought that was so stupid! And it even felt more stupid when she found out that she left her father for nothing, for her american lover left her too - not knowing he has a family of his own. And I thought - I felt stupid for her when I didn't even felt stupid for myself when I ran away from home to be with my boyfriend. I know, hearing it now sounds more stupid. I know it was an awful decision and I'm just soo happy and thankful to be back with family!

My reflection didn't end here.

On part 2, Meiling's daughter, Harmonie, left for America to search for his father. There she met Gideon. They were in love but due to their cultural differences, Harmonie, even though pregnant, decided to end their relationship. To stop Gideon from following her, she married another chinese man who is inlove with her. And so, Gideon also married her childhood friend - Olivia, whom he never love. He did this just so he could forget Harmonie but still, he cant.

I felt like I'm in Olivia's position right now.. the difference is that she knows that her husband loves another woman but as for me, there's no 3rd party involved or.. maybe I just dont know. Anyway.... Olivia never felt love from Gideon. There was this line where Olivia said: "You never said you love me" and Gideon replied with "of course I do" -----> And this line is soooo present in my life right now.

Anyway, Olivia broke up with Gideon for she knows that their relationship would never work.

Haayy naku.. love talaga.. I thought so much last night that I slept crying. Sometimes I wish
I was as brave as Olivia.. that I could break up with my bf coz I cant feel love from him... but on second thought maybe he's doing his best but I'm the one who's blind.

Thoughts like this never ended --- I'm sooo confused. :c

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kikai thought hard on 4:59 PM.
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Saturday, March 8, 2008
4:30 - still awake

t'was a rainy day yesterday.. i was using the computer since 4pm until today 4:30 am.. still not sleepy - whats wrong with me? hehehe - havent taken a bath yesterday.. yuks.. hehe.. umuulan naman eh.. hehe.. excuses excuses.. anyway.. im sooo addict na to this blogger and multiply -- i guess its because of my new "very cute" layout! gosh.. and if i have nothing to do... aside from blogging --- i play RF online... super addict nko sa computer.. as kaye said.. make the most out of it habang hindi pa bc..
and besides its not bad at all.. im meeting new friends online! esp in multiply ... netskie, sam, mariel, kath, april...
still dont wanna sleep and turn off the computer.. but i have to soon.. hehe...
im really not sleepy yet..


kikai thought hard on 4:28 AM.
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my personality disorder test

DisorderRating
Paranoid Disorder:Moderate
Schizoid Disorder:Low
Schizotypal Disorder:Low
Antisocial Disorder:Low
Borderline Disorder:Very High
Histrionic Disorder:High
Narcissistic Disorder:Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:Low
Dependent Disorder:Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Moderate

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --
-- Personality Disorders --


What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Quick Summary:

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing injury to their own body. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. Borderlines think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder:

Additional Information:

Borderline personality disorder was so-named because it was originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis. The disorder is relatively common, affecting 2% of adults. Women are much more likely to suffer borderline than men. Nearly 20% of psychiatric hospitalizations are due to borderline. With treatment, patients are often able to see their symptoms improve.

Treatment involves therapy in which the patient learns to talk through his or her feelings rather than unleashing them in destructive and self-defeating ways. Medication may be helpful, and treatment of any alcohol or substance abuse issues is required. Brief hospitalization is sometimes required, especially in cases involving psychotic episodes or suicide threats or attempts.


What is Dependent Personality Disorder?

Quick Summary:

Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. Dependents often remain in abusive relationships. Over-sensitivity to disapproval is common. Dependents often feel helpless and depressed.

Symptoms of Dependent Personality Disorder:



kikai thought hard on 2:00 AM.
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♥ welcome me to blogger ♥

i discovered blogger when i was searching for sites which host the dec 2007 NLE results-- then i browsed into -- pinoybsn.blogspot.com -- then i made my own -- then as i browsed to multiply and i saw this blogger layouts by mariel ♥♥♥ i fell inlove with it --- then i ran into april who helped me out how to use it --for it needed sum editing.. i just edited my site awhile ago.. and now im addicted to it --- thanks to mariel ♥♥♥ hehehehe

well, hope ul all enjoy my site for it is basically my life -- well, part of my life.. i cannot juz put into writing every second on what's happening but-- atleast --- maybe, ul get to see a lil sum sum of the highlights of my roller coaster ride!

keep it touch with me and give me sum love ♥


- Maria Victoria Amamio

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kikai thought hard on 12:46 AM.
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Friday, March 7, 2008
"thoughts"

My palms grabbed his forearm, three inches below his elbows.
I wasnt struggling to hold. I wasnt slipping off. I wasnt having a hard time. But I am thinking. Thoughts came rushing to my mind.
"What if i let go?"
"What if my hand wasnt clinging to his?"
"What would it be like?"

I was thinking of letting go. Several times I wanted to. But I cant. It seems like my jpalms were glued - no - it was more like cemented to his arms. And i thought, I was struggling more to free my hands from his arms rather than cling on.

Why?

. . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . .
I dont like struggling. I hate that feeling. Why would i choose to struggle when its possible not to?
So i thought.
Stop struggling. Just let it slip off. One day the cements going to weaken. Sweats from both our arms will make my hands slip from his. Slowly.

Then another thought came to my mind.
"would i really want that?" "Is it right to look forward to that event?"
"if that time comes, wont i be struggling? - strugling to cling on?"


kikai thought hard on 10:16 PM.
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